The Battle Within

There is a "sane" and an "insane" part of me, that by their very nature are in constant conflict with each other. The sane side belongs to the society; follows its basic rules; pushes itself reasonably hard for a respectable earning; has its own idiosyncrasies that all the other sane people of the world possess; suffers from possessiveness and insecurities; feels the need to accumulate wealth much more than what is required for a healthy living; gets envious of men and women doing a better job of meeting the petty needs of life; at times, tries to put its point vehemently; resents at people not being able to understand or appreciate its own point of view; likes admirations and approbations, even though they may come from people it considers irrelevant and of no consequence; tries to form an impression in the society, the impression may not always be taken in good light but it is an impression all the same. Also, subconsciously tries to form an impression on itself and this time it is important that the image is held in high regard. With that comes deception and delusion.

The insane side, on the other hand is rather wild and untamed. It is in constant awareness of death and the impermanence of everything around. The thought may not always be depressing or frightening. In fact, at times the insane mind comes close to being ready for everything nature holds for it. But the thought brings with itself a good deal of other ideas, emotions and mysteries. The insane side pushes itself to come out of the delusion and know the truth and yet it knows that there may not be anything to be known and even if there is, there may not be any way of knowing it. It struggles to find a meaning for its existence and is not ready to accept the social pattern of life without exploring the other possible patterns that life offers. It also has its own package of instincts and emotions bestowed by nature on all human beings but they are not corrupted by the deep rooted social conditioning. It has less regard for the society it lives in and does not bother much about the opinions of others. And it tries to paint a truer picture of itself and doesn’t hesitate using the grey shades even though it may not always be the best one.

The emotions and thoughts are rather contradictory when either of the sides dominates. And the actions based on any one of the sides cause depression and dissatisfaction when the other side comes into dominance. It doesn’t seem possible for the sane and the insane to coexist in harmony and peace - which ironically is the ultimate goal for both. And therefore, it seems more logical and sane to subdue the sane part if not completely eradicate it and let the insane live on.
- Abstracts from the insane part when mind was in its control.

A Night's Hangover

As she woke up in the morning, the stream of thoughts rushed back to her mind that she had been unable to put aside till its grip was loosened by the power of fatigue the previous night. Perhaps it remained in her subconscious mind and confronted her as soon as she was awake. “I am so sick of it all” she said to herself almost aloud. She was still thinking about the social gathering she had been a part of the night before. She had met a wide range of people with varying taste and opinions but what she found common in almost all of them was this disturbing element of pretense. Some, in an attempt to avoid any kind of criticism painstakingly tried to appear and behave how they thought others wanted them to. The more arrogant lot was busy in creating an image that they thought others will hold in awe. In both cases it was public opinion that dictated their actions.

She decided to spend the day by herself, away from everyone. Being alone was not what she could be particularly comfortable with for long periods of time but occasional solitude was something she usually cherished. It helped her contemplate and know more about her own self. Was she completely devoid of pretense while interacting with others? She realized such was not the case. But she argued with herself that this pretense is with people she shared a formal and not so intimate relationship with. “Since not everyone is mature enough to take me for what I am, it is almost necessary to give a slightly different image about myself to the society to live a comfortable life. But why should one be so bothered with a third person’s opinion?” But then, was she not affected by criticism and did any kind of praise showered on her never make her feel good? “Yes, it did. However, I did not pretend to be what I am not, to get praised or to avoid criticism”, She thought. Was it completely true in all cases? She did not probe any further and decided to conclude at this convenient note. And thus with arguments and counter arguments with herself, she sketched the acceptable boundaries of pretense for herself and for everyone else. What she failed to notice was the pretense that she carried with her own self to get self approval and sustain an acceptable image in her own eyes.

Simple Mathematics

The world as we see it, is an uncomfortably perplexing place to be in; the “knowns” are questionable and the “unknowns” undeniable. The sequence of events from the beginning of it all as science observes and proposes, till the creation and evolution of life can in itself be an overwhelming thought. In this world of mysteries and amidst infinite doubts and ambiguities, we do however manage to form our own belief system. This is based on our primary beliefs that we accept without doubting or questioning and our own intelligence or logic that we apply to these primary beliefs. In a way it is similar to deriving an output based on an arithmetic expression or formula and certain input parameters given to us. The entire belief system completely relies on these arithmetic expressions and the input parameters. Of course, each one of us is free to come up with his or her own set of primary beliefs based on their own experiences and observations, and build a larger belief system on top of it. However, digging deeper, one might conclude that the basic axioms that one had considered were flawed or the logic was inappropriate. A slight shift in ones logic/perception or a change in the primary beliefs can bring down the entire belief system and turn ones worlds upside down. So what does one do? Does the universe at all provide a unique formula with defined parameters to us? Is there any way to find out? Should one stop defining any kind of formula or leave the various parameters open without assuming any values for them. Is it at all possible for human mind not to stick to any particular belief system or detach itself from all beliefs whatsoever? If so, is this the best way to be?

Insanity of "I"

What would you think of a person having a heart filling conversation with the empty space? Definitely not in the right state of mind!! After all, for any conversation to take place there has to be a listener along with the speaker. Communication between people can serve multiple purposes. But seeing it widely, it can be classified into two broad categories – to share information and for the sake of entertainment.

Communicating to share knowledge or information is required for all practical purposes in life. Sparing the task of questioning the very meaning of any purpose in life and hence questioning the use of having any sort of conversation for some later time, this kind of communication can be safely assumed useful, sane and essential.

Apart from this, communication or conversation between people is predominantly held for filling the empty space in one's life, to reduce boredom and for the sake of entertainment. It could be for the interest or entertainment of the listeners or could be for mutual interest....However, more often than not, one speaks to gratify his or her own ego. It somehow fulfills the "I" within a person. One just wishes to speak without trying to enquire whether the other side is at all interested or not. This insanity of "I" becomes more apparent with the observation of a person talking so incessantly, completely failing to notice the utter disinterest of the listener or in some extreme cases the absence of the listener altogether.

In a similar situation, when a continuous stream of random words was showered on me and the madness of it all became so unbearably apparent, another revelation dawned upon me. To my dismay, I realized that I could very well be on the other side of the “one sided” conversation, may be in some more subtle instances. I couldn’t help noticing from there on the space that most people try to grab in between a conversation to add their own point of view. The conversation per say may not hold any significance, what makes it important is one's own words added to it. In many occasions, I resisted from doing so myself. This realization of mine, instead of creating the much sought after halo over me, simply brought in an increased level of frustration and a stronger desire to communicate...with someone...just about anyone!!!

Where did I go wrong in my analysis?!! I decided to start afresh. What would you think of a person having a heart filling conversation with the empty space? Just one among us…Yes, that is what it was!!! This slight shift in my point of view, made things fall in place perfectly. With my new found analysis and without loosing my sense of sanity, I start this blog site of mine to fulfill my urge to communicate!!