The Darkness

The dreadful darkness that time and again casts its shadow over me…It has become a frequent visitor and accompanies many of the setting evenings when I fail to keep my mind sufficiently guarded with the mundane activities of life. I desperately try to fight it back with fresh air and bright lights but it refuses to leave. The darkness reveals some known facts about the pain and miseries of life (and death) with such intensity that it almost feels as if I am living them that very moment. The futility of life and the inevitability of death, both stare at my face at the same time. And the impact is more that I can endure. But are not life and death the two opposite extremes of one’s world? So why should both cause similar feelings of such severe depression? In fact is any of the two such a terrible act of nature in true sense? I try to go deep into it and understand these extremes better. I haven’t been able to do so yet. But I do hope someday I would come to terms with, even befriend this darkness before it engulfs me forever.

The Mid Life Crisis

Nature has been most generous to us humans. It usually allows us to first settle down in this world before wrecking its torments on the mind and the body. One may argue that it's not the benevolence of nature, but a battle that man has won against an indifferent nature, that lets us settle into a comfortable life. I would agree and yet disagree but will save the discussion for some later time. For what has been occupying my mind lately is not what nature is up to and what the great mysteries of evolution are. In fact, what keeps me awake for long hours is this pathological disorder of the mind, peculiar in its kind, that has a remarkable ability to make a reasonably balanced person feel utterly worthless and disoriented. It may occur much before the torments of the body even starts showing signs and old age is yet a distant reality. They call it the "Mid Life Crisis".

On a lonely evening, not too long after my thirty fourth birthday, when I sat on a comfortable couch with a mug of coffee, contemplating where life is heading me towards, Mid Life Crisis suddenly made its appearance from no where and placed itself comfortably in front of me. I was in no mood to entertain strangers. I looked at it and turned to the other side taking a sip of coffee from the mug so as not to pay much attention to the unwelcome visitor. The Mid Life Crisis was not to be bothered by such impudence. In fact, it felt more at home by the disturbing disillusionment that showed on my face. In order to begin a conversation, it introduced itself - "Hello...I am what is famously known as the Mid Life Crisis!!". I continued with my rude demeanor and told that it was an uninvited guest and showed no further interest in a conversation with it. "I came here only when I was summoned by you. In case you have decided against it, you just have to ask me to leave", it said. I thought for a moment and since I did not have anything better to occupy my time with, suggested it to stay on for a while. I finally decided to talk. "You might have found me difficult but I was not like this always. My miseries are immense and you have no idea about it. It deeply saddens me to realize that half of my life has already been consumed and yet what is left of it appears to be such an unending and tiresome journey". The Mid Life Crisis didn't show the slightest sign of being moved by my plight. It preferred to instead stare at some point in the distant space and appeared lost in its own world. Was it because it had heard these words repetitively to the extent of indifference or was it simply trying to reciprocate my impolite behavior, I could not tell. To keep the conversation alive, I asked the Mid Life Crisis where it came from and what it did to pass time. After a long pause it began to narrate it's story.

"I have existed for many thousand years. It has been so long that I don't remember when I was born. Things were different then. There was a period when I had the leisure time to enjoy the small joys of life. People were mostly not familiar with me and did not need me much those days. But it is no more so in this modern era. I have a grueling work schedule that never ends. I am called for my services any time of the day and night...I work on all days of the week, weekends being particularly strenuous. I witness aging men and women staring at the mirror, trying to hide their wrinkles and graying hair desperately. And when they fail to do so they call upon me. I have been a part of many gatherings where people invite me only to gang up and curse me. And yet they don't let me leave. I have accompanied many bored and lonely people and watched them do weird things. They sit in front of their television sets constantly flicking through channels, taking pleasure out of the crazy things happening in some stranger's life in the form of the so called "reality shows" or gape at their computer screens, at some networking sites, peeping into profiles of people unknown to them, taking care of their cows and pigs in some fictitious farm of theirs for hours. However, it is not that I am hated by all. Many psychiatrist, novelists, film makers make huge amount of money on my account. They quite like my existence as long as I stay away from them." The Mid Life Crisis went on about it's experiences spanning across many different eras and different regions. By the end of the conversation I forgot my own issues and let it leave. But before it took leave, it looked at me and gave a mischievous smile. "It was interesting to converse with you today...I am sure you would want to meet me again soon...very soon...may be tomorrow the same time?!!", it said to me and disappeared.

The Real World...

Long time ago I knew a woman. She lived in a beautiful place surrounded by mountains floating on top of the clouds and a blue lake flowing in the air alongside the mountains. It was as if God had used a special brush to paint her world. She would have been the happiest soul but for the surprisingly strange fact that this world of her's could not be seen by anyone else. Not that it bothered her but it did concern the rest to the extent that they called her insane and sent her out of their community.

When I grew up and became a part of the real world, I noticed a stark similarity between the sane people of the real world and the woman whose faint memories still lingered in some corner of my mind. They all lived in a world that was seen only by their own selves. The difference in their world was that the mountains and lakes were replaced by images and opinions about themselves, others and various incidents in life that were purely a figment of their imagination. The images and opinions formed in their minds were distorted, bloated or inflated based on their convenience or need. The incidents were interpreted in a way that suited them. This, they used in an attempt to assuage their miseries and conflicts(many a times self created) in the real world. However, they continued living as sane members of the community since they never saw a mountain or lake floating on the clouds.

The woman in reality lived only in my mind (and never died). However, some traces of these sane people could be found all around including my own self when I dared to take a glance inside.

The College Reunion

So the three friends of old times found themselves together in a college reunion after many busy years of indifferent silence. Abhinav did not appear much different from how he looked during his student days. He did seem calmer and more contented with life. He lived in a small city with his wife and children. Wilson was balder, plumper and livelier than ever. He never stayed in the same place for a very long time. He said his eyes needed to see different places and people after a while. As the silence no longer was comfortable, a conversation began...

Wilson : Life has been a colorful collage of places and people so far and its always interesting to meet different people with such diverse ideas and beliefs.

Abhinav : It surely is. But somewhere down the line you do wish to settle down, have a family, raise children and watch them grow. After all that is the purpose nature has defined for us.

Wilson : Just because humans like all other species seem to follow a certain pattern and just because instincts for survival and procreation come naturally to all, does not ascertain that it is the highest goal set by nature. And even if such is the case, why should one be bothered about what nature wants from us? Why should we not go by our own instincts and do what we want to do? Although even that is ultimately a work of nature. I do what I want to do, for as long as it interests me. And then move on as soon as boredom casts its spell on me.

Abhinav : Boredom comes effortlessly to people. It will follow you whatever you do, wherever you try to hide. Does it not make sense to confront it and fight it back? I believe it makes a difference to give time to oneself, try and analyze one's own nature and try to eradicate whatever it is that causes boredom at the first place.

Wilson : What makes you think that natural instincts that man possesses and their outcome can be eradicated by man himself? Why should a software program that produces certain outputs have the capability of eradicating itself or change its algorithm?

Abhinav : What if the algorithm is written in such a way to shift to a different algorithm based on its input? I haven't been able to achieve this fully but I do believe it is possible.

Wilson : And my convictions drive me to choose different inputs whenever I want a new output.

All this while the software engineer sat quietly with a glass of full of whiskey and ice. He was more confused than ever. Time had ruthlessly destroyed all his beliefs one by one. He envied Wilson for being able to change his life whenever he wanted to. His own days were filled with monotony and boredom. And yet he knew that the fear of unknown and the grip of the known would never let him change his ways of life. He agreed with Abhinav that it is boredom that needs to be worked on....He was not sure how? "Both my friends appear so contented and seem to know exactly what they want out of life. And here I am not able to take a step forward in any direction", he thought. "But how can I believe in the outputs of some vague software program when I have no clues about its algorithm? How do I know what inputs to choose?". "A wise person had once said that it is wiser to know that one doesn't know than to be under the illusion of knowing what can not be known" he said to himself. He may not be the happiest person but he surely appeared to be the wisest going by the words of wisdom uttered many thousand years ago. Pleased with himself, he got himself another drink. Is it wise to continue being “wise” or is it wiser to seek happiness instead?- Unfortunately the wise man had said nothing about that.

Burden of Freedom

Once a young boy lived in a small island. It was a beautiful place with trees, a pond and a small hut. Every morning he would be awakened by the chirping of birds on the trees. He would feed the ducks in the pond and watch them swim for hours. He watered the trees everyday to keep them green. He was happy with his island until one day he saw another island far away with beautiful roses. He did not have any roses in his island. He looked ahead further and found another one with a long river and swans. He soon realized that there were many other islands far away, each having something unique about it that his island did not possess. He no longer enjoyed watering the trees and watching the ducks. He yearned for the distant lands. One night tired of watching the ducks in the pond he felt utterly depressed. He cursed god for having kept him confined to such a tiny island when there were so many other places to go. Thinking of the red roses, the river and the swans and so many other beautiful things in the other islands, he fell asleep.

The next morning when he woke up, he saw a ship parked at the shore. He was elated. He was no longer bound to his own tiny island. He was free to explore the distant lands. Before he could get to the boat, God appeared. Filled with gratitude, he thanked God for sending him the boat and giving him the freedom to choose where he wanted to go. "I have granted you your freedom all right, but your freedom has its own limits" replied the God. "The boat that you find here travels only in the forward direction. You can never bring this back to this place again".

He looked back at the blue pond and the trees. He would never get to drink the sweet water from the pond....nor would he get to climb the trees. He would not hear the chirping of the birds or watch the ducks swim ever. He wanted to stay a bit longer in his island before starting his journey. He urged God that he should be allowed to spend some more time in his island before commencing on his new journey since he was not ready yet. "The boat remains parked here. The choice is yours now" said the God and disappeared.

Every morning he would wake up to see the boat parked on the shore. He was reminded of the choice he had. He wanted to explore other places but at the same time was not willing to leave his island forever. The freedom that he yearned for once started tormenting him. He was unable to get rid of the constant stream of conflicting thoughts in his mind.

After years of indecisiveness he finally urged God to take the boat away. The next morning he woke up to find that the boat had disappeared. He sighed in relief. With new enthusiasm he watered the trees and fed the ducks. After a long time he again sat near the pond and watched the ducks swim for a long time.

Yet another discussion over Mars and Venus

In my younger years any argument with even a slight hint of gender bias carried a high potential to agitate me. I would vehemently argue as if the sole responsibility of saving the position of womankind rested on me. I still feel that the status of women in many regions of the world ranges from miserably bad to tolerably bad (of course, these definitions are purely my own). However, I take the discussions to disprove the superiority of men or prove the capabilities of women more as a pass time now. In true sense, I feel they are baseless. Men and women are different based on their natural roles in the process of evolution - Men being the bread earner and women the child bearer/nurturer.

Most people, with observation and statistical data, would agree that men are physically stronger than women in general. In my opinion this has been the primary reason why men have been able to suppress women and come up with various theories about the inferior nature of women through out history (more so in the olden times when physical strength was considered much more significant in the society). Some ancient philosophers claimed that women are less evolved form of human species; many were of the opinion that women should be kept under the surveillance and guidance of men. Some of the "enlightened" leaders of the past said that women are incapable of attaining the state of "nirvana" in their present lives. Although in modern society such thoughts are not openly expressed. In fact it is fashionable to project oneself to be gender neutral if not pro-women.

There are some theories and researches that also claim that women are intellectually inferior to men. It is scientifically observed that the average size of the brain of a woman is smaller or weigh less than the average size of the brain of a man (although it may not have a direct correlation with IQ). There are other differences observed between the male and female brains of humans as well. It is also statistically seen that substantially lesser number of women excel in higher education as compared to men and most of the high profile jobs are held by men. The reasons could be ascribed to social discrimination and the additional natural responsibilities taken by women. I leave the mental abilities of men and women open for a debate.

The differences between the two sexes (which I would like to believe is restricted to physical strength) have led to various gender discrimination and oppression of women. Although times are changing and men are taught to be more chivalrous (However modern society has its own biases. For example a "modern" woman frowns if a man chooses to go dutch on a date or eyebrows are raised when a woman picks up a glass full of whiskey instead of wine or campaign) My query is - Are the inequalities and suppression of women healthy for the society?

Considering a woman's well being, it most definitely will not be favored by the majority. What about the other half of the society? Let us consider what the men gain or loose from such an arrangement

A. Men gain more control over things as half the population looses its say. In turn they loose the support of the other half in decision making and many other productive activities by not equipping/educating them for such tasks.

B. Men gain more significance in the society and their lives are considered of higher value. This may ultimately result in imbalance in population and unhealthy competition to find a mate.

C. Men gain more power over women (or wives) which would result in their decisions being obeyed without any objection. And more importantly it would give them the power to fulfill their sexual needs even without the consent of the woman. They gain a sex object at the expense of a friend/companion with whom they can also share a mutually enjoyable physical intimacy.

Of course it is up to each to decide what would make a happy society that they may want to be a part of.

Narcissus and Goldmund - By Hermann Hesse

A story about the two extremes that life can offer....A life of self control and a life of indulgence...However, the ultimate goal remains the same - to find the answers to the unanswered questions....to dig deeper into the mysteries of life....To find a way to live life (And that brings one to the question - is there any difference whatsoever?).

Narcissus, the ideal man....confident, strong willed, determined. Aware of the futility of the pursuits of life. Ready to give up everything to reach the very peak.

Goldmund on the other hand, following his heart (his instincts), doing exactly what he wishes to do , that his circumstances permit. Experiencing every bit of pleasure... pain...joy...sorrow.... ecstasy and misery that comes his way. He is no less capable of finding his way to the peak....or is he not?

One seems to be trapped between the two extremes....oscillating between the two, unable to reach any final destination.